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  • Cemetery Musings

    Today was the first day that I have been to the cemetery after the stone has been placed.  It was much harder than I supposed it would be.  For some reason, the finality of seeing Dawn's name and mine together, as they always have been since our marriage, triggered a lot of tears.  I was glad there was no one around to see me crying as hard as I have in the past couple of months, and I have done a good bit of that--particularly this month.  There are multiple layers to this grieving process, and every time that I have gotten to the bottom of the package, I find that there are still more layers to the process.  I was so heartened last night to read about Dietrich Bonhoeffer's life.  I just finished the book which is called Bonhoeffer--Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas early this morning.  As one who faced death plenty of times, he had an interesting perspective on death.  I quote from him

    "No one has yet believed in God and the kingdom of God, no one has yet heard about the realm of the resurrected, and not been homesick from that hour, waiting and looking forward joyfully to being released from bodily existence. 

    Whether we are young or old makes no difference.  What are twenty or thirty or fifty years in the sight of God?   And which of us knows how near he or she may already be to the goal?  That life only really begins when it ends here on earth, that all that is here is only the prologue before the curtain goes up--that is for young and old alike to think about.  Why are we so afraid when we think about death?  Death is only dreadful for those who live in dread and fear of it.  Death is not wild and terrible, if only we can be still and hold fast to God's Word.  Death is not bitter, if we have not become bitter ourselves.  Death is grace, the greatest gift of grace that God gives to people who believe in him.  Death is mild, death is sweet and gentle, it beckons to us with heavenly power, if only we realize that it is the gateway to our homeland, the tabernacle of joy, the everlasting kingdom of peace. 

    How do we now that dying is so dreadful?  Who knows whether, in our human fear and anguish, we are only shivering and shuddering at the most glorious heaenly, blessed event in the world?

    Death is hell and night and cold, if it is not transformed by our faith.  But that is just what is so marvelous, that we can transform death..."

     

     

     

    I can't add anything extra to that, now can I?  For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain!  There is no fear in death anymore..


     

     

  • A Rose In Summer

              This is a bit sentimental, so you can be forgiven for not reading it. Many of you know the story of how I mistakenly gave Dawn 6 dozen roses instead of 6 for our 30th engagement anniversary.  This might relate somehow, I don't know.  Kristin, our oldest daughter, always liked plants, and so one year at least 7-8 years ago, Dawn gave her a rose plant for her birthday. We planted it out by the road for some reason, and it did well for a while.   It was a Mr. Lincoln rose, which is a very fragrant dark red rose, and for years it bloomed nicely.  However, in the south, roses take a beating, and so with some neglect and just wear and tear, last year it was completely brown at the end of the summer.  I thought it was dead, so I mowed it down unceremoniously with the mower.  Well, lo and behold, if it didn't send a green shoot up again this spring, and so I let it grow, and it made a nice bush again, and bloomed this spring.  It is now summer, and the rose had not bloomed for about 2 months, which is also typical of roses down here..
                The morning of Robert and Michelle's wedding, I came home from one of my many trips to and fro, getting things ready, and I noticed that Kristin's rose out of the blue had bloomed a pretty dark red rose, and I don't know about such things, but I got tears in my eyes as I thought of the symbolism there.  I don't know how much people are aware of in heaven, but my thought was that it was confirmation that she is aware of what is going on, and it was a blessing on the day and the activities of the day.  And although that seems to be a bit too sentimental for a person like me, that is the way it was...
              

  • Whew! A Wedding | GratefulDoc on Xanga

  • Whew! A Wedding

        This past week, our house has been the site of recuperation from the wedding of my oldest son, Robert, and Michelle Schrock.  Recuperation is a general term, and does not imply that everybody is/was sick.  I think that I mean that we are resting up from the efforts required to put on a wedding in your own back yard.  The wedding turned out to be beautiful, the weather cooperated as much as it could in South Alabama, and over 300 guests had a great time in sharing in the celebration.  I have so much to be thankful for;  to have children following the Lord and seeking Godly companions is a blessing.  They will make a great couple and they are looking forward to how God will use them to further His Kingdom here on earth.
        However, a wedding does not happen without some hard work and many people contributed to the great day. I hate to mention all the people who helped, because there would be so many that you would leave out in any such list.  However, getting the yard ready was a job in itself.  There was the problem of the actual site for the wedding did not really have much grass about 4 months ago when we decided to have it out by the pond.  We had someone come and grind out 3-4 stumps in preparation for the wedding, but that did not happen until May.  The process of sodding some of the area, and getting it to grow was amazing.  I could not believe we could transform the area in 2 months, but it worked!  The whole place was beautiful, and the decorations and the chairs and tables were delightfully accenting such a momentous occasion.  Of course there were tears, but often as not, I think they were tears of joy--joy that two can be joined into one--a miracle in itself.
       My part in the wedding, other than to be hot in my suit, was to pray a prayer of blessing.  The few days before the wedding, I had been listening to the Fernando Ortega song "Light from Heaven".  I incorporated the chorus of that song into my prayer..
       Light of Heaven, Lord of mercy
         Shine the goodness of your love upon this day
          Til we see you, Til we know you
             Til the sorrow in the darkness fade away,
                Fade away. 
    That last sentence I could not read, as I was reading my prayer, in an effort to avoid the inevitable tears.  But they came anyway.  But do you know, the sorrow seems to be fading more and more, replaced by joy...Lasting joy....
       Such a blessing--enjoy the pictures! 

    The scene as you come at the front yard--many of the pictures were taken in front of this popcorn tree.
    The view of the back yard, where the reception was held
    Ready for some guests--can you believe 358 chairs? I knew there would be some use for my leftover window from the house! This is our family, with Robert and Michelle in the middle, Kristin on the left, Amber with her fiance David Miller on the right, and Stephen and I fitting in somewhere.
    A great bunch of children--I am a fortunate man!

  • Tracing the Rainbow through the Rain

       This morning I went out for my morning run, heading east as is my custom.  It was raining, and the clouds were spectacular out to the east, as I headed into the rain.  It was a light rain, and pleasant for running.  I was ruminating on this same morning 1 year ago, when out of similar rain clouds a lightning bolt changed my life, and my family's life forever.  It has been a year of loneliness and love, grief and joy, sadness and laughter;  one that forever is etched in the memory banks of my mind.  In the midst of my meditation, I turned back, and there stretched forth in panoramic view was the most gorgeous rainbow, that arched high, over halfway to the zenith.  And suddenly I felt humbled and in awe at the sign stretched before me, a sign that says there is hope, there will be joy, there will be love, and God will be there....It was almost like Dawn was there and was saying, see how beautiful it is here.  As "I trace the rainbow through the rain, and feel the promise is not vain, that morn shall tearless be,"  I was reminded of God's promises to me.  They are many and are new every morning with his faithfulness.  The rainbow lasted in gorgeous color the entire 10 minutes of the way back.  I went in the house, looked briefly for the camera that did not materialize, went and made coffee, and then went back outside for another glimpse...But it was gone, but in my heart was left a peace and assurance of God's love. 

    Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
    There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
    Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
    As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

    Great is Thy faithfulness!
    Great is Thy faithfulness!
    Morning by morning new mercies I see.
    All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
    Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

    Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
    Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
    Join with all nature in manifold witness
    To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

    Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
    Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
    Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
    Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

    I am going in the strength of God today and always!
  • Yesterday was a rough day for me.  It will mark a year on Tuesday that Dawn was hit by lightning, and Thursday is the anniversary of her death.  I don't say this to make people feel sorry for me, but just to let you know what I am going through.  I had tears just below the surface most of the day, and they came out on numerous occasions.  For Father's Day, my children gave me the CD by Steven Curtis Chapman, with songs he wrote after his daughter was killed after getting run over, and it has some very powerful songs on it.  I listened to the whole CD today about 3 times, I think.  The final song is "Spring is Coming"
     
    We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground
    The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown
    Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone
    And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

    And my heart's heavy now
    But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

    Spring is coming, Spring is coming
    And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear
    Spring is coming, Spring is coming
    It won't be long now, it's just about here

    Hear the birds start to sing
    Feel the life in the breeze
    Watch the ice melt away
    The kids are coming out to play

    Feel the sun on your skin
    Growing strong and warm again
    Watch the ground: there's something moving
    Something is breaking through
    New life is breaking through

    Spring is coming, Spring is coming
    And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear
    Spring is coming, Spring is coming
    And it won't be long now, it's just about here

    Spring is coming, Spring is coming
    (Out of these ashes, beauty will rise)
    And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear
    (Sorrow will be turned to joy)
    Spring is coming, Spring is coming
    (All we hoped for soon will appear)
    It won't be long now, it's just about here
    (Out of the dark clouds, beauty will shine)
    (All above in heaven, rejoice)
    (Spring is coming soon)
    (Spring is coming soon)

     
     
         It is hard to listen to that without either rejoicing and shouting, or crying and sometimes both....

  • It is a bittersweet time, this time of year.  Even very small things bring back memories, such as the blueberries being ripe.  Dawn had picked blueberries the morning she was killed. .I appreciate the thoughts and prayers that still go our way, and can attribute much of the good of this last year to the blessings of your prayers, as well as tangible efforts to comfort us..
        I went on Thursday to pick a headstone for the cemetery.   It didn't seem right somehow, and makes you too aware of your own short life, to see your name on a grave marker.  Once again, I did alright in talking and making the decisions, but after I left and got in my truck, I broke out in sobs that persisted for much of the 15 minute drive home--sobs for the loss of a beautiful wife and soulmate, sobs for Robert and now Amber also getting married this year without the help and guidance of their mother, sobs for her many friends who seem lost without her, and just sobs for sobs themselves...And then I was crying that I was crying....
        I have to say that this will be a difficult week, but after 2 more firsts, I don't think I will have anymore...The first anniversary of Dawn's death, and the first wedding of a child--may God give our family grace, as he has so abundantly this past year..

     

     

  • Nicaragua Eye Trip

    Well, I will try again to write a few things about the trip to Nicaragua...
     
    It is a country of contradictions and inconsistency, and you have to love them for it,,,
     
    When one of our group was checking onto the local airline, they took his knife away from him and gave him  a ticket stub for it..however they gave it back to him before he got onto the plane, ???--were they worried he would use it just in the airport?
     
    They diligently sweep the sidewalks and streets every day, first thing in the morning, but then people throw down trash all day on the road, only to have it swept up again in the am.
     
    Although the US has been in and out of their government since early in the past century, they don't seem to harbor any animosities in their hearts towards us.
     
    It is a beautiful country with lots of jungles, volcanoes, and lakes. It is mountainous in the north, but we were in the south.   We were at San Carlos on the border of Lake Nicaragua, and the San Juan River which empties the lake into the Carribean Sea....Sort of the end of the road, since it goes no farther...all boat after that.  I was part of an eye team for Medical Missions International, a Christian organization which sponsors medical missions in various countries all over the world.  Our group was made up of about 2 opthalmologists, 4 residents, 1 optometrist, 4 opticians, and multiple translators and general helpers.  We were about 33 at maximum, although some of the team only stayed 1 week instead of 2.  The main work we did was to screen patients for glasses through the optometrist, reader glasses from the opticians, and then surgery if they needed through the opthomologists. 
    They did correction of crossed eyes, cataracts, and other surgeries as well.  A lot of the people have problems with their eyes with burning and itching and pain, and they wanted to express the extent of their pain in all of that.   We ran out quickly of artificial tear samples, and that would be the one thing that would help a lot of their problems.. A lot of people develop pterygia of the eyes, which are growths of skin over the cornea, and can obstruct the vision....had a lot of people having surgery for that...
     
    Our motel was in the town of San Carlos and we set up our clinic in a local school.  The local hospital was used for surgery.  The motel was clean, but no AC, except for a couple of rooms (not mine), intermittent electricity and water.  You soon learned to soap up only one body part at a time, in case the water decided to quit on you, you would not be left soaped up with no place to go!  There were no screens on any windows but in the rooms themselves, but most of the time, the mosquitos were not a problem.  One night when I was taking a nap, someone yelled "the motel is on fire", and when we got out, the service box bringing in the electricity into the motel was sparking and arcing, but actually never got into any of the building itself.  They got out an electrician at night and had everything fixed up in a couple of hours, which was quite impressive.
     
    Saturday and Sunday of the first week, we went down the San Juan river to an old Spanish Fortress called "El Castillo", built back in the 1500s to prevent pirates from coming up into the interior of the country.  It is amazing that in that isolated area, there were people long before anyone had come to this portion of South Alabama.  Although I glibly said that we  went down the river, it was not quite as easy as that-as most things weren't in Nicaragua.  The first thing was that we were supposed to be down at the wharf to load onto boats at 9 am.  Well, there were no boats down there for us when we got there.  We waited and waited, and as in most things, there was not an explanation why.  Well after an hour or so, they brought a couple of boats that they said were going to be our boats, and we thought we were ready.  At that point, they said anyone who had to go to the BR, there was an opportunity, but since it was a good ways to the BR, I thought if we were getting on the boat, I could go a couple of hours easily.  Well, we didn't leave for another hour and a half, and by that time I should have gone, but since I was thinking all that time we were leaving at any minute, I could scarcely break away....So we load by 11:30 and we were on our way...We had a 2 hour ride down river, but I was not able to enjoy it as much as I could have, due to pressure on the bladder.  When we stopped, the only public bathroom I could find needed money to use, and I didn't have the proper change, so I waited until we walked to the restaurant there at the Castillo, at which point the trip became much more enjoyable.  We then went on down the river another 30 minutes or so to a resort area, where we spent the weekend.  I say resort loosely, since it was a place with a large open court with hammocks scattered round, and then some rooms that slept 4 a piece--no screens or anything on the windows there.  We were able to have mosquito netting over the beds while we slept.  It was a gorgeous wild area right next to a neighboring national park.  There were howler monkeys that put out a tremendous amount of noise out of a small body.  They were our alarm clocks in the morning starting around 5 am...All kinds of birds such as toucans and macaws, and other wild animals--huge iguanas --I think we saw one that would go 4 feet in length.   We had our morning church service there and then went up a smaller river to do some swimming as well.  The cold water felt good on the 90 degree day.  The native people climbed up a tree about 25 feet above the water, and then went hand over hand out a branch until they were over the deep part and then jumped in, but none of us gringos would try that. 
        On the way home, I calculated that we would need to leave by 3:30 to get home on the river before dark, since seemed like a good goal since the boats had no lights, but lunch was late as usual, and afterwards people were just kind of sitting around waiting for someone to tell us to load.  Around 4 or so, the call came to load, and so we set out, and I knew that we couldn't waste any time.  However, the boats were low on fuel, so when we came to El Castillo again, they stopped to get some fuel.  Well, we were met with the news that there was no more fuel in the town!  So we set out to go further upriver to get some, but amazingly, just 50 yards upriver from where they said there was no fuel in town, there was a place that had fuel.  I don't know if it was because we were in a hurry to get home before dark, but we did not quite take on enough fuel....so the first boat ran out about 20 minutes from San Carlos--by this time of course quite dark.  There was no way to transfer anyone since each boat was fully loaded.  So our boat tried to tow the other one, but it was going rather slowly, and our captain thought it would make us run out of fuel as well, so we tied the one boat to a tree at the side of the river, by now completely dark, and then our boat went on to get help....Well, end of story is that everybody got home safe and sound, and none the worse for the wear, except for extra mosquito bites from being right next to the river bank.
        By the second week, everyone was used to each other and we told a lot of stories at night--incredible stories with incredible story tellers.  There were people who could keep you quite spell bound--you would be roaring with laughter and crying the next...wait that sounds like a reunion of any of our families..
        Well that is a short-become-long summary of an incredible 2 weeks--I was pleased to be part of the group and contribute what I could.   For me, it was like an ophthamology rotation, as I learned so much during the 2 weeks.  Too bad I can't get CME credit! 
        Editor's Note--this was written a month ago--Since I am just starting the Xanga thing--thought I could add my perspective on the trip...

  • Hello--this is a stretch for me--a small town country doctor in Alabama who wants to start the trend of web posting. I don't want to have the overwhelming lack of privacy that comes with facebook, so maybe this will be a good first step..